It Doesn't Hurt Me
by FreeMyMind
Summary: a sad story based on Running Up That Hill. Contains mentions of selfharm, sucide, and caracter death.


_A/n once again I'm sorry I haven't updated on my 3 stories in process. 1. I haven't had much time. And 2. My muse is semi killed by the disappointing 1__st__ episode and the others just have not been as up to parr as last seasons. I hope that the writers get their mojo back soon. _

_The song is Running up that hill, if you want to hear the version I listened to while writing its by track and field but the placebo version is pretty and I figured out after I strted writing this that there is another puckleberry story associated with this song and I state now that there is no correlation or idea stealing._

_Anyhoo, in this story, we are going way back to when Puck and Rachel actually dated outside my dreams. Season one. And basically, it's after regionals and Finn never got with Rachel. He's with Santana. Puck and Quinn broke up once Beth was adopted. Ok, story is commencing,… NOW!_

"It doesn't hurt me. I refuse to let it hurt me. But the second my dad's tell me, I'm ripped apart inside. My mom who didn't want me, replaced me with Quinn Fabray's baby. In glee, I see her face, see how she plots to get back to the top dog position. It doesn't hurt me. Then I see her sitting with him, Santana, the only one worse than Quinn. The bile rushed to my throat and my "nonexistent" gag reflex suddenly appeared with a shocking strength. 

"It doesn't hurt me to see everyone happy, when inside I am miserable. It doesn't hurt me to act. In fact, I'm rather good at it. The only one who I think sees anything is Puck. But then again, he was the only one to see a lot of things when we were kids. But we don't talk anymore. So I don't know for sure. The only thing I know for sure is that the vomiting has stopped. And the pain built up, until I drop the curling iron on my leg, and the physical pain releases some of the emotional pain. 

"It doesn't hurt me when Mr. Shuester gives Santana the solo with Finn for the graduation ceremony. It doesn't hurt me when I come across Shelby's Facebook and she's holding Beth in her picture. My stomach and arms are crisscrossed with the marks from a hot barrel of a curling iron.

"But it does hurt when the burning stops hurting. It does stop when my self-mutilation isn't enough. And I know that the only way to stop the pain permanently is to go ahead and end this. So I have something to say to a couple people. 

"Noah, I have come to realize that you matter more to me than I will ever matter to you.

"Tina and Artie, I count you two as my friends and I apologize if it hurts you that I'm doing this.

"The rest of glee, you hated me. I know you did. Its part of why I am hurting so much. But I loved you all like the siblings I never had. Yes, even you Quinn and You bye."

Mr. Berry finishes reading Rachel's letter to the club and leaves, pausing only to shake hands with me and Artie and to hug Tina. The suckiest part is she isn't even dead yet. She drove her car into an on-coming semi-truck. But she's lying in a hospital bed, still alive but dying from some medical bullshit. I glance at the glee club, all of them sitting stupidly in their seats, the news having just reached us. I grab my coat and I look back at the club, "I'm going to the hospital, is anyone coming with me?" Tina and Artie both whisper, "We'll come once Artie's dad gets here." But the rest of the club, sit in their seats, and make no move. Kurt and Mercedes both stare at Quinn who sighs and pulls out her phone. Bitch. Finn looks like he wants to do something but Satan just shakes her hair back and squeezes his hand even tighter. The others all avoid my gaze and I snarl, "You bastards." And walk out. My iPod is already playing when I sit down in the car. The first line of the song grabs my attention.

**It doesn't hurt me.**

**You wanna feel how it feels?**

**You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?**

**You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?**

**You be running up that hill**

**You and me be running up that hill**

The shittiest part is I saw how fragile she was. I saw one of the burn marks once when she forgot for a second and pushed up the sleeves of her sweater. If I had realized how far gone she was I would have been there with her, bringing back the crazy Berry that I loved.

**And if I only could,**

**Make a deal with God,**

**And get him to swap our places,**

**Be running up that road,**

**Be running up that hill,**

**Be running up that building.**

**If I only could, oh...**

When I got to the hospital, something told me that I needed to be there sooner than later. The nurse at the station must have noticed my urgency because she didn't even try the "only family" thing. I take the stairs, knowing the elevator would be an excruciating wait. I run into her room, not expecting to see this broken carbon imprint of Rachel I find.

**You don't wanna hurt me,**

**But see how deep the bullet lies.**

**Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.**

**There's a thunder in our hearts, baby.**

**So much hate for the ones we love?**

**Tell me, we both matter, don't we?**

Her Dad, the one who didn't come to the school, claps a hand on my shoulder and leaves. I take his chair and take Rachel's hand. She has casts on both legs, and one arm. Her face is bruised and exposed ski slightly burned. Across her forehead is a thick white bandage. My heart pounds in my ears.

**You, be running up that hill**

**You and me, be running up that hill**

**You and me won't be unhappy.**

I kiss her tiny, child-like hand. "wake up Rachel. If you wake up, I promise that you won't go through any of this alone." But I know that my request has probably gone unheard.

**And if I only could,**

**Make a deal with God,**

**And get him to swap our places,**

**Be running up that road,**

**Be running up that hill,**

**Be running up that building,**

**If I only could, oh...**

I pray for the first time in months, desperately, urgently, beseechingly. "Please, God, she's so good. Take me instead. Take me instead." I kiss her hand and don't care that I am starting to cry. Being a BAMF really doesn't matter to me anymore.

**C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,**

**Let me steal this moment from you now.**

**C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,**

**Let's exchange the experience, oh...'**

I sit with her until Tina and Artie come. Tina looks at me with such pity, that I have a feeling she has already accepted that Rachel will die. But I know as long as she is breathing, she could still come back. They leave and her Dad's come back. I hide out in the bathroom once visiting hours are over. I won't let her wake up alone.

**And if I only could,**

**Make a deal with God,**

**And get him to swap our places,**

**Be running up that road,**

**Be running up that hill,**

**With no problems **

**With no problems**

She wakes up for a few moments at 2:19 in the morning. She whispers my name and I kiss her forehead, "Babe. Please, stay." She smiles and her uninjured hand rubs my head, "I'm happy now Noah. I'll miss you though." As she closes her eyes again I pleadingly murmur, "I love you Rachel." She flat lines within seconds.

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.' **

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.**

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.'**

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.'**

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.'**

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.'**

**'If I only could, be running up that hill.'**

The final notes of the song play out at her funeral. She would be pleased with the turnout, almost all of McKinley. She is more popular in death than in life. I get of the stage, now unable to take the falseness on their faces and I leave the temple. I go to the closest bar and drink myself into a stupor. Then, somehow, I find myself in her neighborhood, then in her house(abandoned by her dads because they couldn't take the memories), finally in her room. Her iPod is in her speakers playing Sweet Caroline. I see her open laptops screen saver is a slide of pictures. I watch them for a few moments, most of them are pictures from our childhood and a few from the brief period we dated. The rest are with her fathers or glee. I leave the room, leave the house, leave the town. And I walk to the little piece of intersection where the crash happened, evident by the little picture and tiny stuffed animals placed there. Crossing the road to get there though, I am suddenly blinded by a pair of headlights.

"Noah, wake up!" she giggles, "And why are you on the floor?" I open my eyes, "Rachel?" She smiles and holds out a hand, "Come on! It's time for glee."

_A/n and before you ask, you get to decide whether his heaven involves glee or if it was all some dream. And btw, I never cry when I write and when I wrote the part about her dying, I was bawling. So I hope its good, and I hope you review. _

_Hugs and Kisses_

_-F.M.M._


End file.
